He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
