How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
