the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
