she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
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I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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