Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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