8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
