I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
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as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
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We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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