I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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