he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
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I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
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Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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