You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
