dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
