I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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