Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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