And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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