Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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