Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
