I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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