john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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