I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
