And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
