omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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