so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
