I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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