3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I met the friendliest cop last night
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
