TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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