You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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