Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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