My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
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