My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
