we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
