I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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