I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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