You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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