Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
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