people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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