Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
