You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
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Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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