I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
