I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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