I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
