I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
