sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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