i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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