That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
