Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
