YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize