yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
