DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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