We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
