New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
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Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
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We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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