Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
