I'm lost and stupid without you.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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