Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
