My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
