I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
