new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
How's work?
Spinning.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
