Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
