Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
