Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize