so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
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I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
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It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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