Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
