at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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