i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
