And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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